TRIGGER WARNING: POST CONTAINS MENTION AND DESCRIPTION OF SELF HARM.
As I watched the flame of my scented candle burn, it suddenly occurred to me that I had started self harming much younger than I thought.
I was 14 years old when I first made the conscious decision to self harm. The date is still etched in to my brain. 23-12-2010. Two days before Christmas.
I remember being around 9 or 10 years old, I liked to watch the flame of my tea lights flicker and sway while I sat isolated in my bedroom. I’d watch the wax melt and pool near the wick, I enjoyed watching the fire engulf everything. It was then that experienced my first thought of self harm, but I didn’t know that at the time.
I just looked at the wax and felt this overwhelming urge to touch it. To feel it burn.
Eventually, I acted upon this urge. After blowing out the flames I dipped my fingers into the wax, one by one. It did burn. It made my skin raw and it ached, and yet I felt the need to do it all over again. And I did, several times over.
It became a regular occurrence in my daily life, but I never thought too much about it. I just got on with it.
I wish I had known what self harm was back then, it wasn’t until my self harm escalated in my teen years that I realised I was depressed. I felt so alone at the time. I didn’t have the courage to help myself, so no one was able to help me either.
I was 16 when I had stopped self harming regularly, but even now I still struggle with the urge sometimes.
It makes my heart hurt that I was so unhappy and no one appeared to notice. I feel a deep sadness thinking about my past. There are still so many things I need to come to terms with, but one step at a time. I’ll get there.
I learn more about myself with each passing day and I’m thankful for that, I am was able to forgive myself for my past mistakes, and I am ready to continue on my mental health journey.
I wont give up on myself, and neither should you xox