Living In Darkness

Depression consumes me.  

So far, 2020 has consisted of a constant state of depression and self isolation. 

I’m so far gone that I don’t know how to deal with this anymore.   

All I want more than anything is to crawl out of the darkness and get back to my life, back to my writing and get back to sharing Love From A Stranger messages.  But I have zero motivation to even bathe and brush my hair, never mind anything else.  

So, I sleep walk through my life and only have enough energy to complete the tasks that I absolutely must do and nothing else.  And although I am doing so little, I feel exhausted.  Both my body and my mind feel heavy.  I’m so weighed down that I feel like I’m being dragged underneath the earth and I can’t breathe. 

Everything appears darker where I am. The movements around me seem sluggish and life feels more hostile. 

I am now at that familiar point in my depression where death seems like a nicer alternative to this constant despair, this constant inner turmoil.  

Not enough to go looking for death itself.  However, if it did come knocking, I’m not sure I would turn it away. 

 I feel ashamed of myself for saying that, but I can’t hide from my own feelings.  I can’t lie to myself either.   

How easy it would be for all the pain and all the darkness to just fade away….  If only. 

I’ve also been avoiding people as much as I possibly can, both in person and on social media.  But in doing so, I have left myself feeling more isolated than I have ever been in my life.  I don’t socialise enough to have friends that I can talk to, and speaking to my family just doesn’t feel like an option for me.  So, I’m alone on this journey.  I am alone in my pain.   

I wish I had the strength to reach out to someone, but I wouldn’t even know who to reach out to.  It’s hard enough going though depression, but going through it alone just feels worse.   

Part of me knows that I probably won’t feel like this forever, but there is also a larger part that is just  convinced that I won’t ever feel anything else.   

I have been on an increased dosage of Citalopram for my depression for more than a month now and all it has done is mess up my sleep.  I can no longer sleep without having vivid violent dreams.  Sometimes I find myself trying to stay awake just so I don’t have to dream.

Who needs horror movies when I can close my eyes and live one? 

I never feel rested.  Yet I never feel awake.

  

So many bad memories have found themselves torn open in my head, replaying their stories one after the other forcing me to relive every single moment all over again, as if once weren’t enough.   

Anxiety always seems close by…. just waiting on the side-lines for the right moment to pounce.  Always when I’m least expecting it and when I’m least prepared.  I have had so many anxiety attacks this past month that I have lost count.  Each one as debilitating as the last.  Each one leaving me more broken as I huddle in the foetal position just wishing for it all to end. 

So, this is my current situation.  I am pretty much incognito when I’m depressed which explains my lack of blog activity.  

I have tried to write new posts, but every time I get started this depression just knocks me back on my ass and drops a weight on me that I just can’t budge.  I do hope to start posting more often, but we’ll see how things go.   

I hope you are all well . 

Xox 

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One thought on “Living In Darkness

  1. I’m surprised at how much i can relate to this. I know how hard it is to reach out to people.

    I’m a message away but don’t feel at all obligated to do so. Depression is a hell of an illness and anxiety coupled with that is so difficult.

    Liked by 1 person

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