She Will Go Insane

TW – Mentions of self harm , BED and Dissociation.

I have been struggling with thoughts of SH (self harm) for a few weeks now, and today (21st April) the urge was so strong that I came very close to relapsing.

This lock down has been very triggering for me. 10 years ago, when I was 13 I had started self harming. I had very poor mental health and felt very alone and trapped inside my family home. It was a very abusive household and I still haven’t fully come to terms with it.

I wasn’t allowed to go out with friends, I wasn’t really allowed to socialise online either and my relationship with my siblings wasn’t very good at the time, so i never really had anyone. I just felt stuck and eventually my view on reality was cracked. I would SH to make sure I was still here, to make sure I could still feel something other than what was going through my head.

I guess that’s what is happening now. Once again I feel trapped and I don’t know what’s real anymore.

We’re being told to stay home as much as we can and follow social distancing when we go outside. Yet, people around here are floating around outside enjoying the weather as if nothing is happening. Like the world is doing fine. And I just don’t understand what’s going on inside of their heads.

I have to go out every couple of days to get some shopping , i don’t drive otherwise I’d get more in at a time.

When I go out no one even seems to acknowledge social distancing and will frequently get too close to me, which then causes me to have panic attacks. Of which I’ve been having plenty of.

This is happening. Isn’t it?

Covid-19 isn’t just a figment of my imagination. It can’t be.

So I have been fighting a battle inside myself everyday, trying to stay alive. It would be easier if my mind wasn’t trying to convince me that i don’t want to live. But depression lies.

I honestly have no coping strategies to get me through a pandemic, nor did I ever think I’d be living through one.

All I seem to do be doing is binge eating, chopping at my hair and wishing each day away. Some days I find myself wondering how I am even going to survive this when my mind is so set against me .

Sometimes, even breathing is exhausting for me. The tears burn the back of my eyes and I try to hold them back. I don’t like to cry. It makes me feel weak. I have many issues with myself. I don’t like myself most of the time and being stuck inside just make me notice it more.

I don’t like to feel much of anything. If I could choose to feel nothing then i probably would.

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